Awaken morning..

Half more hour away from now, my alarm will ring..

but i could not get myself in sleep..

thinking of later i had to attend the place that make me feel down..

i totally lost my mood in everything..

i feel better after throw every of my suffer to my best friend's ear here..

but..i do feel down and stress when he was not around..

i suffering from difficult breath this two day..

mayb coz i could not digest the pressure given by her..

the word from her is unpredictable..

each word juz like dagger stab into my world..

she makes me suspect of myself..do i really suit to be programmer...

the interview at penang was cancel at last minute..

shall i cont find job in PJ while waiting to go back penang??

if i do find job here..i hope to move..

move to a better enviroment..

move to a place that i could refresh my mind and start everything from begining...

Missing night..

Some said we could not sleep during night is because of we miss someone..
The image of person keep rotate in our mind
It makes our blood circulation become faster and faster..
Am i missing someone at this moment while making me couldnt fall in sleep??
i think and think while i try close my eye..

i found tat i do missing...
but not someone...its several of them..
the image of my past keep appearing in my mind..
things that happen during my secondary school keep appear..
the image of my home and family member keep floating in my mind..

I not sure whether these images apppear make me cant sleep..
or i cant sleep so i try think something to make me sleep better..
time shows 2.00 am..
i had to wake up 6 hours later..

i had to clear my mind now to sleep..
else i going to fishing whole day in company...
good night to those who appear in my mind few minutes ago..
wish that you all live happily now and in future...

Life After Uni

its been around a year since my last post..
finally i had completed my task as the only university student in my family...
graduated from a university..
it may not a proud since i do not graduate from a local uni..
but at least im called as a uni graduate..
the only thing i do not expect after i graduated is i would continue stay in kl..
sitting here continue writting my blogs..
i though that i would back to penang and continue my life..
but i know..
i know that someday i would go back to where i come from and never come back again..
i really hope the day would come..
but i do not had this strength to do that..
this is because i had to start from begining again..
new enviroment, new friends and new life..

everyone had change after graduated..
some become more matured..
some become more attractive..
and some are still as silly as last time..
i had change as well..
i feel that i had become worse than before..
my tolerance had become lesser and lesser..
my fear of being alone had become greater and greater..
but i will continue to try..
try to face it..
the purpose i wrote this blog is to force myself to face and learn..
i know i could do that..
every penang people had a very high flexibility to get along with different enviroment..
especially my family..

empty head

today we having graduate photo session..
few guys from my class do not attend for it..
one of them is my good friend ah loke..
one of the reason he do not come is because all his housemate never come..
actually i quite wish he will come..
this is because in future when we graduate, at least there is something could make me remember this good friend..
but i do not ask him to stay, this is because i know power of me 1 person never stronger than his 4 housemates..
few days ago, derrick ask him..
if one day all his boycott me, will him follow also..
i do not think about it after this..
today when i having my nap after the photo session..
this question sudenlly appear..
will it happen??
a person we treat as good friend boycott us because his other good friend do??
if he do, i wont be suprise..
i do not expect much from everyone around me..
its not because i do not trust them..
but i hope i could independent..
do not depend on others..
use to stay alone without friend..
everyday im trying to be alone..
but i think is difficult for me to achieve it..
maybe someday after graduate..
i wish i could get along with the feel of getting alone..

sixth sense?

few days ago..
i wrote on my msn messenger message..
"can we could feel that if someone like us?"
the like here mean have feeling or simplified as love~
or i should said a little love..
most of them told me yes..
i use to be can last time..
but recently i found that not really..
i feel that everything totally up side down..
im not very sure about that..
but what i know is..
if someone dislike us..
we sure could feel that..
although they do not show us a bad emotion or face..
but we could actually feel it..
the best solution for me get away from them..
before the dislike become hate..

chinese new year eve..

few years ago..

chinese new year eve is a very special and important event in my life..

this dinners bring alot of meaning and memorial for me in the whole year..

where all my family members gather and have dinner together..

steamboat is our dinner on that night..

when i was young..

we could only have steamboat once a year which is on that night..

i not very sure why..

but i guess is because there will be a lot of food and need many people to finish it..

due to working and study, it is difficult for all my family members to gather..



the meaning of this dinner stay with me for 18years..

it lost since the day she no more sit on the place and eat with us as she always do..

but...

the dinner still important to us because of my dad..

but this is no more a pure eve for my "family"..

Parent nightmare...

the feel of tired once again come back to me..
something happen and make me do not want to back to penang anymore..
few years ago, i heard someone said...
parent would not afraid, heartache or sad
if their children do not success in life...
the most sad thing for them is when they saw
their children fighting with each others..
all are their children and which shall they stand off?
as the youngest in home, what can i do??
find a chance to go other place and let them calm down..
huh..
this deed is such a useless guy..
but i really hope i could do that..

back to KL...
everything go normal..
until the day i ask him my friend..
"do u feel any regret with any decision you make?"
and he answer
"i do not want to answer"
and after few days, i was told that he had make the other decision..
decide to end something he had decide before its too late..
before the thing go deeper and deeper..
for me this is a brave attitude..
well
i wish he could find someone that more suitable..


*tired*